Gwyneth Paltrow Wants Women to Get Rid of Their Parasites

Considering Gwyneth Paltrow eats moon dust and thinks women should jam jade eggs in their vaginas to chill out their vibes, I am sure all of her health and wellness opinions are incredibly valid.

Please, tell me how to live my life, Gwyneth Paltrow. I wait on baited breath.

She recently told Women’s Health during an interview:

“I’m really interested in the impact of heavy metals and parasites on our bodies. I think they’re two of the biggest culprits in terms of why we feel bad.”

It’s not because most Americans can’t afford medical care, and Trump is about to make it worse.

It’s parasites.

“I’m knee-deep in figuring out ways to clear them from the body, looking at all sorts of potentially weird modalities.”

How many jade eggs am I gonna have to jam up my snatch to kill my parasites?

“I think women in modern society don’t feel very well. The number one thing women say is ‘I’m exhausted and I don’t know why!’ I want to get to the bottom of why that is.”

It’s because life is hell. We don’t all have a team of assistants raising our kids for us, Gwyn.

She wants us all to fix our shitty lives with her soon-to-be-released Goop Wellness supplement packs. That’s all this is.

Thanks, Gwyn.