ESC

Gwyneth Paltrow is Selling Vampire Repellent Now

Have you been having trouble with vampires in your home? Aren’t we all? I can’t turn around without bumping into some emo Cullen kid whining about how hard it is being immortal and looking super hot for eternity. Well, Gwyneth Paltrow is here to help, because she’s selling vampire repellent on her website for crazy white people that she basically just stamps her name on, Goop.

Okay, so this actually says it repels psychic vampires, and Wikipedia tells me that this is a term coined by Church of Satan founder Anton LaVey that refers to “a spiritually or emotionally weak person who drains vital energy from other people.” Well, that sounds slightly less insane, and also explains the lack of garlic.

How does this wonder product work? Well, according to the product description on Goop:

A spray-able elixir we can all get behind, this protective mist uses a combination of gem healing and deeply aromatic therapeutic oils, reported to banish bad vibes (and shield you from the people who may be causing them). Fans spray generously around their heads to safeguard their auras.

Well, if it safeguards your aura, why wouldn’t you spend $30 on it. I traced this magically elixir back to its source, Paper Crane Apothecary, where I found a list of ingredients.

Ingredients: LOVE, Reiki, Sonically Tuned Revers Osmosis Water, Rose Water, Salt, Charged Crystal Chips, Therapeutic Grade Oils of: Rosemary, Lavender and Juniper, Elixirs of: Ruby, Black Tourmaline, Aqua Aura, Pyrite, Fluorite, Ametrine, Garnet, Bloodstone. Tiger’s Eye, Labradorite, Nuummite and Clear Quartz

I mean, it has LOVE as the first ingredient, how do you not buy that? You’re certainly not getting it from anyone else if you’re just browsing Goop with a glass of chardonnay at noon. And they put a lot of work into these, listen to process by which this Vampire Repellent is made.

All Paper Crane Apothecary products come with a variety of intuitively selected gem stones, which have been sonically tuned in a crystal singing bowl and blessed with Reiki.

I hate having to sonically tune my own crystals and bless them with Reiki, it’s such a pain. As near as I can tell, a crystal singing bowl is a really expensive tuning fork and Reiki is waving your hands in the general area of something.

Alright, here’s the part of the article where I stop stop being polite and start being real. This is perfume. It’s weird, crazy perfume for hippies and rich white idiots, but it’s perfume. I’m not sure how good of a perfume it is, but $10 an ounce is about a third of the Hermes 24 Faubourg I once bought my mother for her birthday or the Chanel No 5 my girlfriend wears, so this isn’t a total scam.

The Goop store also carries a Chill Child – Kid Claming Mist, which it says you spray on your kid to make them settle down. I really don’t recommend this, because spraying perfume in your kid’s face when they misbehave is probably child abuse and carrying a spray bottle that says it puts children to sleep sounds a little molest-ey. Still less embarrassing than having a jade egg fall out of your panties at Gymboree, but not by much.

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