Jessica Cook | The Blemish

Lindsay Drains Souls

By Jessica Cook, 12:15 PM on Nov 12, 2009, 1 Comment

Emanuel Ungaro, founder of the House of Ungaro, is not pleased with Lindsay Lohan’s debut as “artistic adviser” to the fashion house. Ungaro left the label in 2005 and it is now owned by an American investment company. Ungaro expressed, “I am furious but I can’t do anything about it.” The AFP via New York Magazine reports,

“Ungaro said he regretted that the fashion house he started ‘is in the process of losing its soul.’

That happens to a lot of designers. We were the creators and patrons, responsible for the creation and destiny of our houses. But when we gave up our houses, we gave up our souls.”

I always suspected Lindsay was a master of the Shang Tsung soul drain of Mortal Kombat. There was no other explanation for how a once strapping, handsome, strong gentleman could turn into the malnourished, dead-in-the-eyes zombie that is Samantha Ronson.

Tags: #lindsay lohan

Adrianne Curry Has Grown

By Jessica Cook, 12:01 PM on Nov 12, 2009, 0 Comments

If you’re wondering why you haven’t seen any recent ignorant myspace posts from Adrianne Curry, it’s because she took time away from the limelight to get fat, grow up, and make her return to making ignorant statements.

“I was hiding my fat ass until I lost a bunch of weight. A few weeks ago I went in for my yearly womanly exam and I weighed in a 150.5 pounds and I crapped my pants,” Curry added. “I am on a no-carb diet. So I’ve started eating fish, steamed vegetables, no butter, no sugar, no bread, and no fun and now I’m at 136 pounds. I’m also going to the gym, I don’t believe in being thin disgusting. I like to have muscle.”

How revolting for a 5’10″ semi-muscular woman to weigh in at a healthy 150.5 pounds. Good thing she lost 14.5 pounds in just a few weeks. It sets a great example for impressionable, healthy females out there. Adrianne continues telling Fox News,

“My only regret is that now I’ve decided not to share my life (her VH1 reality show “My Fair Brady” ceased filming two years ago) people can’t see that I’m mature. I’ve grown up oodles, people only get to see me acting like a 22-year-old on replays but I’m now 27, I’m pushing 30. The old broad had to grow up without you.”

Using the descriptive “oodles” to detail your growing up is confusing. Everything about Adrianne Curry is confusing. She’s kind of hot but everything out of her mouth makes me want to slit my wrists. It’s okay though. I kind of like being aroused and suicidal at the same time. It makes my loneliness a smidge more enjoyable.

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Tags: #adrianne curry

Eva Mendes Knows She’s Hot

By Jessica Cook, 11:45 AM on Nov 12, 2009, 0 Comments

Eva Mendes knows she looks rockin’ hot naked and doesn’t have a problem with showing herself off. As she tells Fox News

“I don’t allow myself to be typecast, but when I have to turn up the heat and turn up the sexuality and I do an amazing Calvin Klein campaign it’s very conscious, that’s no accident. It’s very methodical on my part. If I feel it’s appropriate to show some nudity in the scenes then I go for it. As much as I use my sexuality, I have never felt exploited. I feel like it’s on my terms and I have no problem with it.”

I don’t have a problem with it either. With Eva showing off her body, that is. Whenever I show off my body, people run and cry while punching themselves in their eyes. My self esteem says it’s because they’re jealous. My mom says it’s because I’m ugly.

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Tags: #eva mendes

Shanna Moakler Speaks the Truth

By Jessica Cook, 12:15 PM on Nov 11, 2009, 1 Comment

Travis Barker’s ex, Shanna Moakler, went on The Wendy Williams Show to discuss her new makeup line and her return as co-executive director of the Miss California pageant. As with any discussion on massive amounts of makeup on competitive women with fake tits, the conversation lead to a Kardashian. Shanna called Khloe Kardashian a “donkey”. In response, Khloe twittered the following,

“Who is shana moakler??? I have no idea who this girl is but I guess she is talking about me. Talk on honey…I can care less LOL.”

I’m not one to brag, but I’m somewhat of an expert on passive aggressiveness. After all, I am a woman. In Khloe’s case, expressing she “can care less” on a public forum actually means she was so upset that Lamar should’ve considered tripling her servings for today’s feeding time. Lucky for Khloe, Shanna apologized before she had to go to that extreme.

“@KhloeKardashian, you are right. We don’t know each other personally and I apologize for my comment this morning.”

Who am I kidding? Khloe doesn’t have scheduled eating times because she’s never taken a break from stuffing her large, donkey face.

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Tags: #khloe kardashian #shanna moakler

Levi Johnston Wants Custody

By Jessica Cook, 12:00 PM on Nov 11, 2009, 2 Comments

Levi Johnston is suing for custody of his son, Tripp, and claims his biggest obstacle is Sarah Palin. He somehow neglects to recognize his poor choice in a baby’s mom or his naked poses for Playgirl as obstacles. According to People, Johnston believes Palin’s powerful influence on his ex, Bristol, is preventing him from helping to raise his son. Still, he doesn’t find Palin the least bit intimidating.

“She has a big impact on what Bristol does and thinks. Bristol looks up to Sarah. I don’t know why they just don’t want me in his life.”

“She ain’t nothing. Just because she ran for vice president and was the governor of Alaska, doesn’t intimidate me. Sarah has no legal thing on Tripp, she’s just the grandmother.”

While I agree Sarah Palin is nothing, I’m perturbed by his casual use of Palin’s first name. I had no idea they were on a first name basis. This further proves that kids today are so disrespectful. Your accomplishments don’t scare them and they don’t even appreciate the fame you’ve given them. The least Levi could do is send Palin a laminated printout of his Playgirl spread with his autograph on his photoshopped penis. Trust me, Levi, “Sarah” and the judge presiding over your custody case will love it. And if you could send a courtesy copy to me at The Blemish, that would be most agreeable.

Tags: #bristol palin #levi johnston #sarah palin

Audrina Laughs at Kristin

By Jessica Cook, 11:45 AM on Nov 11, 2009, 0 Comments

Audrina Patridge finds the humor in Kristin Cavallari dating another one of her ex-boyfriends. Kristin went from dating one of Audrina’s leftovers, Justin Bobby, to another, Tal Cooperman. A source revealed the following the Us Weekly,

“Audrina thinks it’s laughable. Tal and Kristin have gone out a few times now, but it’s nothing serious. Tal and Audina never officially dated and are still friends.”

I’d find it laughable too if some whore was always second choice next to me. Also, I’d find it funny if she were repeatedly exposing herself to the veneral disease I left behind on all of my ex-boyfriends’ penises. I’m overly possessive that way.