Someone convinced Britney to push herself away from the buffet table long enough to tour in support of her new greatest-hits album. Next stop? The lovely country of Australia. Imagine the excitement as the rotund one makes her first sojourn down under. Unfortunately, Popeater.com sums up a nation’s resentment:
Australian music critics have greeted Britney Spears on her first concert tour down under with poor reviews and stories of fans walking out of her show. On top of that, government officials have been critical of the singer for her use of lip-syncing during performances. All the criticism has traumatized Spears…
Critics called her first concert, held in Perth on Friday, “boring” and “stiff.”
“Boring” and “stiff” you say. Ehh, too easy. Anyway, someone should tell Australia that the last time Britney sang live was in 1999. Since then, Britney’s rolled herself into the studio only when she’s had enough of the donut tray. Record producers do the rest, snipping and autotuning her warblings into singles. Managers tell her where to go and her mother keeps pushing her further into Hollywood excess. Meanwhile, Britney is an empty shell and whatever soul she had has left her.
Australia should be thankful that Britney’s greatest misdeed was only lip-syncing. She could have eaten all your kangaroos.
Miley Cyrus sucked down 3 packs of cigarettes and caught three strains of H1N1 before using her truck driver voice to haunt the masses in an interview with some creepy old guy with twins. When asked what Jay-Z song she is referring to in “Party in the USA”, Miley admits she’s a complete fraud that didn’t write the song and sleeps with men over the 30s with young twin girls. The last part happened off tape though, so just take my word for it. Miley yelled, “I’ve never heard a Jay-Z song. I don’t listen to pop music. It’s not even my style of music.”
Add 300 “likes” to those three sentences and I’ve saved you from having to suffer through that video. Unless you want to see a famous 16-year-old dressed in a Pocahontas outfit for Halloween. Pervert.
Apparently, the folks at Chicago didn’t get the memo from Melrose Place that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is a terrible actress. In December, she will be playing Roxie Hart in the Broadway production of Chicago for six weeks. According to People, Ashlee “played the role in the London run of the musical. It would, however, be her Broadway debut.”
Ashlee lucked out with marrying Pete Wentz. His ability to simultaneously play the roles of both mother and douchebag enables Ashlee to focus on the illusion that she is an actress. I predict three weeks from December, Jessica will be tweeting on how lame the Chicago script is and thanking the good Lord that Ashlee brought them press. And when my prediction comes true, you owe me your penis. Those are the terms. Take it or leave it.
The blossoming list of terrible celebrity dads seems to be populating more frequently these days with the likes of Jon Gosselin, Jude Law, Michael Lohan, Darth Vader, and so on. At night, these men all kneel in honor and in praise to the creator of the horrific-terrible-dad list, and that is Joe Jackson. To ensure Joe stays at the top of the list, he sought an allowance from his dead son’s estate for expenses exceeding $15,000 a month. Fox411 reports,
“The request seeking an unspecified amount for Joe Jackson was filed by lawyer Brian Oxman, who said there was no apparent reason for the administrators of the estate to not seek an allowance for the 81-year-old Jackson family patriarch.”
“An itemized list of expenses says Joe Jackson spends $1,200 a month on rent for his Las Vegas home; $2,500 to eat out; $1,000 on entertainment, gifts and vacations; $2,000 on air travel and $3,000 on hotels.”
I seem to have missed the itemized section for hookers and escorts. If you’re going to make a list full of ridiculous demands, you should commit to it fully and list all of your selfish, perverted wants. Unless that’s what he meant by “$2500 to eat out”. In which case, I may not like your parenting, Joe Jackson, but I appreciate your honesty.
Josh Duhamel and his husband, Fergie, spent the weekend apart as a stripper’s allegations of sex and threats of lie detector tests plague their marriage. While Fergie spent Saturday night performing in Berlin, Josh spent the night at an unspecified woman’s apartment. I made that last part up. Josh was by a pool in Atlanta reading a script. I know what you’re thinking, my lie was way better. I won’t be upset if you run with it from hereon out.
Their temporary separation was only due to work obligations and Us Weekly reports Fergie will stay with her cheating husband.
“Fergie is standing by her man, despite claims by Atlanta exotic dancer Nicole Forrester, 34, that she had a one-night stand with the actor. Her lawyer tells Us Weekly that Forrester has passed a lie-detector test and is in possession of racy texts from the Transformers star that corroborate the affair.”
Generally women need proof of their husband’s betrayal before leaving them. Fergie doesn’t fall under this category because she’s not a woman.
Apparently there are a lot of crybaby whiners in New York. Today they’re butt hurt over a Calvin Klein billboard ad featuring a sweaty Eva Mendes tugging at some model’s boxer briefs. See, Eva looks hot as hell and that offends people. Per the NYDN, Carl Wilson, a 55-year-old killjoy from Queens says, “Some of us don’t want to expose our kids to something like this – it’s borderline pornography.”
Luckily, Wilson and his sexless kind are just the vocal minority because everyone else thinks the ad is awesome. Sure, there’s a chance that someone would cause a ten car pileup while jacking off to it while driving, but that’s a risk I’m sure people are willing to take.
Lady GaGa looked relatively normal on Wetten, Das…? Her face wasn’t obscured by a veil, no Kermit the Frogs lined her outfit and she wasn’t soaked with blood like a used tampon. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still ugly but at least that was the most offensive thing about her. It’s like we’ve been granted a reprieve from her annoying ass . Expect her to return to hiding her cries for attention under the guise of “performance art” shortly.
